grief counseling for an entire family

Posted on: 8 December 2015

If you've recently become a step parent or have merged into a blended family, you may notice a whole new world has been thrust upon you. Becoming a step parent, especially when you own biological children are involved, often requires a period of adjustment. To help ease into the transition of step parenting and blended families, learn how to avoid the following common mistakes:

1. Giving Your New Step Children Freedom to Do As They Wish and Not Establishing Rules Early On

Sometimes in seeking a new step child's approval, the new mom or dad will overcompensate by allowing the child to rule the roost. If you want to earn the step child's respect, you must set down rules from the get-go and abide by them. Don't let your step child manipulate you or make you feel guilty by being authoritative or by denying him or her something. If you allow your step child to become the boss, this pattern may become difficult to break and, consequently, problems will arise down the road.

2. Spending Too Much Time With the Step Child (and Subsequently Neglecting the Biological Children)

This is another common mistake step parents often make with their newly blended family. Although you want to reassure the step child that you love them as much as your biological children, you need to divide your time equally. If you fail to do so, problems may arise when your natural-born children feel neglected.

To work around this common issue, establish a schedule. One-on-one quality time should be designated for each of your children. Better yet, plan activities the entire family can enjoy together.

3. Expecting Immediate Love and Acceptance From the Step Child

Although it paints a pretty picture, don't expect your new step child to welcome and accept you with open arms. Even if you've bonded for a while, chances are the new lifestyle of a blended family may take some time getting used to, for all family members involved. If you set your expectations too high, you may not only be disappointed, your frustration may distance the step child even further.

It takes time to gain the new child's trust and love, therefore you can't expect a "Brady Bunch" environment overnight. Don't force your attentions on your new son or daughter, as this may cause resentment. He or she needs their own space and comfort zone, especially during this new arrangement and transition.

4. Comparing the Children or Forcing Competition Between Them

As a new step parent, you must realize that your partner's child has unique tastes, abilities and preferences. Because your biological child excels in sports not not mean your step child has to be sports-minded as well. Allow the step child the freedom to be his or her own person and accept the child for who he or she is.

Don't make the mistake of saying, "Bobby gets always gets an A in math, won't you try to do the same and make me proud?" By doing so, you may end up alienating your step child and making him or her feel inferior or unworthy. Instead of pointing out flaws, recognize his or her accomplishments and offer praise.

5. Undermining Your Spouse

If your partner has established certain rules, you should respect these and not force your own set of rules on your newly adopted children. If you don't agree with your partner's rules, talk it out and work together as a unit. Most importantly, never go behind your partner's back by contracting their guidelines.

6. Trying to Replace the "Natural" Parent

You cannot expect to take the place of your step child's natural parent. That's not a realistic approach. While it may be fine for your step child to call you "Mom" or "Dad," the decision should be the child's, not yours. If your step child feels more comfortable calling you by your first name, that's fine, also.

Adjusting to a blended family is not always easy, but with a little patience and effort, you can overcome the struggles and make the transition a positive experience for all. For more help, seek out parental counseling from a company like Associated Psychologists & Counselors.