Surviving Marriage After The Death Of A Child
Posted on: 10 June 2015
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The death of a child is possibly the most devastating event a family can experience. Siblings are shocked and confused, parents battle grief and guilt, and extended family feels inadequate to comfort. A major concern following the death of a child is how the marriage relationship of the parents will continue.
Understanding How Grief is Manifest
One of the hardest things for a couple surviving the death of their child is to understand the various ways men and women express their grief. While women find it easier to express their emotions, men seem to turn inwards. For this reason, women might feel that their husbands are uncaring while men think their wives are over-reacting.
If it becomes too difficult for you and your spouse to express your grief to one another, marriage or family counseling may be necessary. A therapist's office is a safe place to get your emotions out. It is also a place where your conversation can be guided along productive paths of healing instead of destructive paths of hurt.
Providing Support When You Need it, Too
Following your child's death, you and your spouse both need comfort and support. It becomes increasingly difficult to console your spouse when you need to be consoled. It's not like you can take turns putting aside your grief to strengthen each other. So how do you find comfort and peace together?
One thing to remember is that you will both need some space to grieve alone. You are both focused on your individual loss and need to cope with that loss before you can approach your joint loss. When you are able, look outwards to your family, and try to offer comfort and peace through your own veil of sorrow. If you wait too long to reach out, you might become too isolated from your spouse and feel that a working relationship is impossible without your child. Even small gestures throughout the day will bring you closer together. Being willing to ask for help is a sign that you want to make your marriage work – it is not a sign of weakness.
Becoming a Unified Front Again
It is unlikely that your relationship will continue on as it did before your child's death; it will either improve or deteriorate. If you were close with your spouse before the tragedy, then you can recreate a strong relationship. If there was a lot of fighting and misunderstanding, you may have a harder road to unity. Whatever your relationship was, pick up the best pieces, and use them to build a new one.
Put the best pieces of your relationship back together as soon as you can – continue to pursue couple and family time, perform acts of kindness such as doing the dishes for your spouse or bringing home an unexpected gift. Remember that intimacy is important, but you must both feel ready for it. Gathering these small but beautiful parts of your relationship back together will help you build a strong, new foundation for your marriage. It won't be the same as if your child was still here, but it will still be good and provide you both with needed happiness and peace.
Lastly, as you make your relationship as husband and wife work again following the death of a child, remember your other family members. Remember your siblings and parents, and, if you have them, remember your other children. Find support and strength in one another. Observe and reach out to your children. Be willing to go to counseling as a family or individually, if you feel inadequate to help your children because of your own feelings of grief or guilt, find someone who can. And always remember, you need your spouse and your spouse needs you. You can get through this tragedy together.